- Helping Couples To
There has recently been a splash of articles in the media saying that you can predict which couples are heading for a
divorce. According to research by Dr. John Gottman the key is the ratio of hurtful statements to caring statements. He's
actually produced a specific set of numbers that is supposed to provide the cut-off point for a couple being at risk. While I can't vouch for Dr. Gottman's mathematics, I can support his basic premise. Typically the most damaged relationships that I work with are those with a history of verbally abusing each other when they get mad. In essence, they don't know how to "fight fairly".
URL: http://www.drheller.com/fitefair.html
(Added: 30-May-2000 Hits: 6222)
- Is Golf a Marital and Family Problem?
As spring arrives, golf becomes a major topic for many of the couples I see. The game has exploded in popularity over the
past decade for both men and women. But some men seem to become glazed over as the grass turns green, unable to think
about much more than their handicaps. One of the problems with the game, as it pertains to relationships, is the amount of time it takes to play a round of golf. Add to that the strong desire to watch golf on television plus the need to practice driving and putting. You can see where being a "golf widow" is far
more serious than being a "football widow."
URL: http://www.drheller.com/golf.html
(Added: 30-May-2000 Hits: 1025)
- Marital Conflict: Learning to Listen
In general we are all terrible listeners. Usually within a matter of seconds our minds already begin to drift from a 100%
focus on what the other person is saying. Not surprising if you think about the millions of wires in the brain, all the
information stored there and how many issues are of concern to us at any given moment. The verbal skills that make us
such a unique species often serve as one of the barriers to the potential for intimacy that they appear to offer. The process of not listening becomes especially evident if the speaker is saying something critical or raising an unpleasant topic.
URL: http://www.drheller.com/listening.html
(Added: 30-May-2000 Hits: 4031)
- Marriage and Family Processes
Why do we hear so much about the family nowadays? The stories seem to be either
negative, reformative, or where have the "good old days" gone in tone. Perhaps all of the attention owes to shared assumptions that relationships between
family members is prototype for all other social relations, that the family unit is the fundamental building block for all
societies, and that the family is society's shock-absorber of social change.
URL: http://www.trinity.edu/~mkearl/family.html
(Added: 30-May-2000 Hits: 2686)
- Sudden Marital Separation Syndrome
Often couples know when their marriage is in trouble. But I am surprised at the frequency with which couples arrive at my
office where only one partner seemed to realize there was a serious problem. At the heart of this is always a poor pattern
of communication. Sometimes efforts are made by one spouse to express the dissatisfaction and their partner just doesn't listen. Not listening - not wanting to face a problem in the relationship - is more commonly, but not exclusively, a male issue.
URL: http://www.drheller.com/suddnsep.html
(Added: 30-May-2000 Hits: 4416)
- Understanding the Victims of Spousal Abuse
Beyond conscious hope and relief is an unconscious process of traumatic bonding, learned in infancy and relearned as intimacy is interwoven with abuse. This phenomenon appears in the bizarre attachment of some hostages to their captors known as the "Stockholm Syndrome." It explains why some victims love their abusers.
URL: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/spousal.html
(Added: 14-Feb-2000 Hits: 3502)
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